How (not) To Repair Apple Headphones

University residence is really loud. Sleeping is not a right, it is a privilege earned by those who call security to shut down parties. I enjoy sleeping, being a human being (unlike the other people in this building). 

Both pairs of my SkullCandy headphones broke the same way a week apart, and I'm sending them off for warranty replacement tomorrow. I'm stuck with Apple headphones: superior audio quality, in my opinion, but do nothing to cancel noise. The only way I can fall asleep at TRU Rez is by blasting the soundtrack to Kon Tiki on repeat (I'm at 162 plays, and that's only because I don't use my expensive and breakable iPod while sleeping. Please note, the song is 14:38 long, adding up to over 39 hours of one song. That's more than my whole library put together).

Tonight I decided to kick back and not study (ok, bad choice, but a much needed break). First I built the Banff Springs Hotel in the Sims 3, then got bored with that and decided to watch Life of Pi for the third time. Two seconds into the movie, the left headphone failed. I froze in horror: this destroyed all prospects of getting any sleep for the next month. My life fell apart at the same time as Pi Patel was thrown into the pool by Mamaji. By the time his family was being drowned by a Japanese cargo ship, my heart was going at about ten thousand beats per minute, and it had nothing to do with the movie. I need sleep. I'm not one of those university students who can party and operate on two hours of sleep (like my roommate, which is why I'm moving). I did, in the end, thoroughly enjoy the movie, as did my neighbours, because of my lovely giant speakers. I could feel the storm (although there was actually a storm outside as well). As the movie drew to a close and my best friend on Skype decided that sleep was in order due to illness, I needed something to do. How about fixing headphones? Ok. Let's go... (Warning: do not do this to your headphones, EVER):

1. Check for bent 3.5mm jack. Checked. Present. Probably from the amount that I roll around in my sleep combined with my stuffed fish.
   Solution: What to do... oh yeah, I have a toolbox. What's in it... a hammer? Ok, cool. three firm whacks later, the headphone jack is straight and fits into the female socket (that's what she said).
2. Check for damaged cable. Absent. Good. I'm not ready to carry out my fourth headphone surgery in my life at 11:30PM at university. 
3. Further diagnostics: The left earbud was emitting no sound... or so I thought. When placed backwards in my ear, it sounded beautiful, but they aren't really designed to sit that way in your ear. Obviously the speaker diaphragm has been damaged, probably from a sudden exposure to pressure from me rolling around in my sleep.
   Solution: Wtf. Apple builds things to not be taken apart. What do I do... what killed it... Pressure. With enough energy, anything can be reversed. With what, however, does one provide the inverse energy? Um... my mouth. This literally sucks. (har har). Suddenly, I hear Chopin wafting from my nostrils.

You should have seen my eyes light up. I had music... I had sleep. I would recommend this all as only a last resort, if your headphones have a warranty (like shotty SkullCandies do), make use of it.

Anyways, that's all I have to say for today. Other than people in this residence are truly stupid. Excessively so.